19. British Railing
Happy Valentine's Day
“Please allow customers to exit the carriage first before boarding”
So goes the familiar refrain across British trains and London tubes. We get it, they concede, everyone is in a hurry and it’s busy but let’s try and keep a bit of order about the place shall we? It’s the classic British passive aggressive approach. Here in Mumbai I’ve just heard an exhausted man yelling “let me go there then you can come here!” on a local train as someone attempted to occupy his space before he had left it.
That frothing mouth may or may not have belonged to me.
If there was an announcement in a Mumbai station, it might say, “Godspeed everyone, you’re on your own.” Of course, that’s not technically true. If you fall down on the platform, people will help you up. Outstretched arms hoist businessmen onto crowded trains with workmanlike frequency. But when it comes to the concept of spatial awareness or personal physical boundaries you are absolutely shafted mate.
In a country of one point ICan’tKeepTrack billion people this is both unsurprising and confounding. Whoever does the marketing for India as the home of yoga / a kind of Zen Wonderland is an evil genius who has never been to Mumbai. If you grow up poor you’re sardined together in tiny quarters. If you grow up rich you have staff who Live In Your House. The concept of ‘me time’ is samosa in the sky.
It drives me fucking insane. People casually blockade the pavement (if it isn’t already covered in construction debris or street food stalls or video game death traps) forcing me to walk around them in the road. In fairness, sometimes this is the only place free of motorcycles & mopeds, who treat sidewalks as a kind of Mario Kart shortcut to whichever Rainbow Road they’re headed.
If two people are walking side-by-side towards me on a narrow path, they will never transition into single file to avoid a collision. My options are thus: walk into the road again (alas traffic does not respect me like it does errant cows), or the Shoulder Barge. In the UK, the latter would be the pre-game to a stare-down, expletive exchange or fisticuffs (Marquis of Queensbury rules) but here it seems to be parsi for the course.
Earlier this week I saw a guy walking while staring down lost in his phone (a fairly global bugbear this one, but I feel like India is really leading the charge), get shoulder-checked, drop the phone, miraculously catch it with the other hand, then casually continue in his stride. He didn’t even turn back. If that was London you’d have to immediately agree to a duel.
I once held open a door and watched my afternoon vanish as the entire human contents of the building spilled out through the unobfuscated exit, my grasp slowly sliding from full-hand to pinkie finger like an action hero hanging from a rooftop, finally letting loose in time for the door to slam in the face of an old auntie. Sorry about that, said the Englishman.
OK granddad why don’t you have a nice cup of tea and a sit down and tell us What You’ve Been Doing With Your Time? (your face is very red)
Great question actually and I’m happy to report that as per my New Years ‘Resolution’ I have been chonking out video(s) like my sanity depended on it. Well, one video but also technically three. You’ll see. Once again a spark of curiosity led me down an overtly nerdy rabbit hole and an over-produced bit of fluff came out the other side.
It definitely fits the remit of ‘You Know What, Simon, I Didn’t Think I’d Be Interested In That But It Was Actually Quite Entertaining’* which is swiftly becoming my brand if I was the worst brand manager ever.
DeepSeek vs ChatGPT: Can AI Help Me Win At YouTube? (UNSCIENTIFIC test)
* I workshopped this in DeepSeek (on brand) and we came up with, ‘Smart Entertainment For Curious Minds’ which I don’t hate actually. Maybe a bit too science-y but a good start. I also like ‘Overtly nerdy, over-produced’ as a concept. Feel free to chime in on this/road-test it on your friends who watch YouTube.
Live From New York, It’s Sunday Morning already here actually
I’ve been mildly obsessed with Saturday Night Live for some years. More as a concept than as an avid watcher. The incredible pedigree of talent that has come through the hallowed halls of 30 Rock over the years is undeniable. It’s like Tik Tok for olds.
I’d be lying if I said that many years ago I didn’t read the excellent book that tells the history of SNL through interviews with people involved, and dream of one day being on the show. I think that tale will be very familiar to many comedians & improvisers. But like watching a documentary about the SAS and thinking “ooh abseiling, that looks fun!”, I quickly realised that I’d be carried out on a stretcher on day one. The insane and inarguably unhealthy way of putting the show together in a week demands a lot of late nights, lack of sleep (and in the early days, Scarface levels of white lines) that I suspect might get the better of the ageing British guy who had a meltdown on a busy train earlier today.
But I love the stories, the behind the scenes, the auditions, the gossip… And as the show celebrates its 50th year (!) a 4-part tv series gets into various aspects of the production - and a feature-length documentary digs into the vaults of the various musical guests and songs that have graced the show over the years. It’s co-directed by QuestLove and I absolutely loved it to bits. The opening 7-minute mash-up montage alone is worth the price of admission. Mind-blowing.
Other things I’ve enjoyed recently maybe you will too
The book by Chris Broad of the YouTube channel of the same name Abroad In Japan is a pleasant exploration of one sarcastic British man’s life in Japan, beginning as a wet-behind-the-ears English teacher and ending as a very successful YouTuber. Pretty light but some nice cultural insights and did nothing to quell my desire to visit asapppppp arigato.
Michael Reeves’ nerdy insane YouTube output. This is the very apex of ‘You Know What, Simon, I Didn’t Think I’d Be Interested In That But It Was Actually Quite Entertaining’ content. Great stuff.
2 different podcasts sort of tangentially about working out your purpose slash having a midlife crisis slash sorting your life out. Both handled so so differently:
In Max Dickins’ excellent In-between Man he tackles various aspects of (man) life (success, fashion, friendship) and manages to put into words innumerable things that have been Arkanoid-ing around my mind for some time. Or more succinctly, “An immersive audio series about the dreamscape of modern masculinity”
Kim Noble’s podcast, ‘Futile Attempts' (At Surviving Tomorrow)’ handles many of the same themes as In-between Man but in a way more befitting a man whose live show once ended with him riding away from the theatre on a horse. As ever, this is equal parts hilarious and disturbing. The blurb states “Life's rubbish. However artist, comedian and manic depressive Kim Noble has just bought a microphone and he's decided to make a podcast (like every other loser). Over ten episodes, we join Kim on a surreal and hilarious sonic journey.” Yep.
ok see you next time. mumbyeeeeeeeee
Simon
